there are times in life we tell ourselves stories
so the living makes sense
held at bay from our children and grandchildren
the covid hand restraining us from connection
as our hearts lunged towards them
babies born that we were yet to meet
times when our souls longed to be physically present for others
to cope, we tried to slide into the “new normal” of it all
she’ll be ‘right as the Kiwis say
just now– we have family from overseas among us again for the first time in three years
babes arrive that we haven’t all yet met
we frolic in the kitchen concocting kai we hope nourishes mind and body
holiday touches abound
actions and feelings that had taken a back seat (repressed) when there were just the three of us in the vehicle moving from season to season, holiday to holiday
without the usual near-constant arrivals and departures we’d become accustomed to
cooking the other day, we looked at each other,
we didn’t realize just how much we missed this, did we
how much our loves coming and going was the fibre of our living halfway around the world from them
how much of our lives, our soul’s food, had been stolen from us
how much a part of us had died
almost exactly one year since my husband’s heart tried to make me a widow
seeing him be his toddler-whisperer self in action
part of our souls have resurrected from the dormancy of their lockdown
we are coming back to life
this video is Dawn Picken on the day she was told by the medical team that there was no more that could be done and she was approaching the end of her life
Apologies for being so slow with getting updates and podcast episodes out. We’ve had so much going on in our personal lives …
If you follow us on Instagram and/or Facebook, you know that my husband and I have been supporting our dear friend Dawn Picken who has end stage liver failure from an inherited liver condition. You heard about her releasing her book, Love, Loss and Lifelines: My Year of Grief on the Run in our last update.
Dawn also happened to be one of my early podcast guests and we’ve been on a similar path of encouraging the stories of death and the aftermath to be let
After one of Dawn’s discharges from the hospital earlier in the month (time is currently a surreal concept), my husband and I went to be with her. I stayed on. I returned home to recharge a couple days after she was transferred to hospice and she had actually started to brighten and family from the US had arrived to be with her. We are still a daily part of her doctors’ ward rounds and connection with Dawn and her partner. (Her parents and son have just now departed back to the US as this journey to the transplant team in Auckland arrives)
What has ensued is a wild roller coaster ride. I’ll include links so you can follow the journey. She’s gone from getting the end of life talk, a hospice transfer, to now being transferred for a weeklong evaluation with the Auckland liver transplant team tomorrow. Unfortunately she’s had some medical emergencies since that referral. Had she remained in hospice with the goal of easing her end of life, she would most likely no longer be on the planet.
Please keep Dawn and her loved ones in your thoughts and prayers. We need a miracle. The thought that she could go from death’s door to possibly having a transplant and returning to her previous super-healthy, mother, partner, friend, colleague, outdoor adventuring, marathon running, journalist, writer, instructor self is indeed the dream that we all hold tightly.
Those of you who read about her book know that she was a young widow. We set up a givealittle funding platform to originally pay for her funeral expenses and leave a soft landing for her 17 and 18 year old. Now, if all goes well with her transplant referral, she will need the help of those funds to assist with those with the months of recuperation required. Donating any amount to her fund will assist her and her children greatly. Thank you if you’ve already donated. Dawn is deeply grateful.
I’ll link the ways you can follow her trajectory:
Here is the first piece that appeared in The Bay of Plenty Times. Here is the follow-up article that was just published.
Here is her Caring Bridge page where I put updates on her condition.
Please, if you’ve read her book, leave a review. It is bringing her great joy to read those. If you haven’t purchased it, you can get the Kindle version at the above link for less than a cup of coffee. It means the world to her.
I’ve known Dawn over 11 years and she’s been working on that book the entire time. I was with her at her home back in late October after her first admission and she said with an indignant chuckle, I always said I had to finish that book before I die. Maybe I should have kept working on it … She also told me on that visit, a time we were taking beach walks and going out to eat and she seemed to be recovering well, I’m afraid this is the beginning of the end… I tried to dismiss her intuition, Nah, look at you … you seem great.
Little did we all know.
Yet, part of her did seem to know.
During that trip she also said she wanted to give her boyfriend of months a free pass to the exit door, he didn’t sign up for this. Stu ignored that offer and has been steadfast by her side, in and out of hospital, lovingly supporting her. Their love story is deeply affecting all who know and care for them. They finally found each other and have a soul-deep connection. We are all invested in them living their longer, active lives in happiness, with this transplant being successful, as we move forward.
As you can see, this is a huge part of our world right now and we won’t rest until we see Dawn suffering less and hopefully being accepted for the transplant.
I will now address the elephant in the room. Why didn’t she get on a transplant list earlier when the prognosis of her hereditary liver condition always meant she would be struck down down by it? Why didn’t this process start back in 2020 when she ran the New York Marathon unwell. Yes, in typical Dawn form she was more concerned about her slower finish time than her condition in that moment, and wanted to blame it on the travel, but she started needing more medical intervention after that.
From what I could observe from her reports, maybe there wasn’t a consistent leader of her medical ship—one doc championing her case. Such is the case with the NZ medical system, I’m to understand … She would ask about transplant, but I wonder if knowing she was out there running every day and being the vibrant person she always presents as, her dire prognosis wasn’t taken into full consideration. I asked the docs about this when she received the end of life prognosis, knowing that the kids would question this throughout their lives as grief reared at various developmental stages, and there wasn’t a clear cut answer to the question.
This isn’t brought up as an exercise of blame, I just know from the amount of inquiry I’ve already fielded that many of you wonder about this. Chalk it up to many factors. It’s helpful not to gaze into the rear view mirror long enough to simmer resentment, we need to keep the energy surrounding Dawn positive and continue moving forward. Now we have a (liver) prize to keep our eyes on. Let’s do that. ONWARD!
As she is transferred via a five hour ambulance drive to Auckland approximately 19 hours from now, please be holding up Dawn in whatever manner you are able.
Follow Dawn’s Caring Bridge for updates of her journey.
We all appreciate your support to Dawn and her whanau.
You can find our most recent lovely podcast episode here on this platform. Here is a quick link to ease your looking for it.
And yes, the holidays are amongst us.
I’d like to share something written by Sarah Nannen that came along that many folks are finding extremely resonate:
Holiday host etiquette: If you’re inviting someone to your home and they’re grieving, be sure you’re inviting their grief to attend, too. It will be there, anyway.
Don’t invite someone with the goal of cheering them up for the holidays.
Don’t expect them to put on a happy face in your home. Don’t demand they fake it til they make it or do something they don’t want to do, either.
Invite them with the loving intention of offering cheer and companionship and unconditional care during the holidays. To do this, you will need to honor and be responsive to their needs and emotions.
You can do this by privately acknowledging their grief when you make the invitation:
“I know this season is extra hard and your heart is hurting. You and your grief are welcome in our home. Come as you are, we’d be honored to have you with us.”
It’s also incredibly loving to honor the reality that it’s often hard for grieving folks to know what they will want, need, be up for, or able to tolerate at the holidays.
Giving them an invite without the need for commitment and permission to change their mind is extra loving:
“You don’t have to decide right now. If it feels good to be with us, we will have plenty of food and love for you-just show up! I’ll check in again the day before to see if you’re feeling up to coming over and if there’s anything you’d like me to know about how we can support you.”
Your grieving friends and fam need attentive care and responsiveness at the holidays, not plans to keep them busy, distracted, and happy.
If they’re laughing, laugh with them.
If they’re weeping, ask if they’d like your company or your help finding a quiet place to snuggle up alone for awhile.
If they’re laughing while weeping, and this is more common than you’d think, stay with them - this is a precious moment of the human experience that is truly sacred.
We don’t need to protect ourselves or each other from grief at the holidays. In fact, the more we embrace grief as an honored holiday guest, the more healthy, happy, and whole our holidays will be.
In solidarity,
Sarah Nannen
www.sarahnannen.com ~ @lifemurmerations
We know difficult times don’t stop for the holidays and can be some of the most challenging. Folks are buying my book as a thoughtful gift. I wrote it in a style and chose the artist and lovely design so it could land gently in people’s minds and hearts when they needed it the most or help people ease into these conversations, they’ve been curious about, while feeling held. Available at all of your online book resources. Click the book for the Amazon link. Bookshop.org is one indie online choice.