chasing the greater good

i'll meet you in the field beyond falalalala

me, Portugal. photo by Anna Fermin

when the song of the angels is stilled,

when the star in the sky is gone,

when the kings and princes are home,

when the shepherds are back with their flocks,

the work of Christmas (holidays) begins:

to find the lost,

to heal the broken,

to release the prisoner,

to rebuild nations,

to bring piece among the people,

to make music in the heart.

-The Rev. Howard Thurman (1899-1981)

Years ago when I discovered the above quote, it deeply resonated; the juxtaposition with buy and gift ad nauseam. Never has the message felt so pertinent as now. If only the powers that be in our over-cultures could let it sink in—syncing their hearts, minds, decisions, and actions.

At present it is New Year’s eve in New Zealand. I sit semi-reclined, leaning on pillows with my back against our bed’s headboard to ease the pressure of what grows inside me: The constant reminder of my latest diagnosis. A gentle rain falls down; as it sporadically stops, the songbirds sing, flitting and fluttering. The music backdrop is my woo-woo women’s playlist. Here with you now, I strive to be fully present.

now. this view is medicine to me.

The annual process of attempting to learn from this year has been in progress for the past weeks. Finding the gifts. Using those findings to build realistic hopes for the year to come. The exercise is much deeper than making obligatory lists of resolutions. Never have I been more aware of the need to sink into my current reality and notice joys and concerns.

What is deserving of my energy to call in? What is best to release?

Lately I’ve taken to foregoing sign-offs that fall beneath the column of “all best” and have adapted a lengthy “wishing you all things for your greater good.”

That’s what having shitty health adventure pop-ups has done to me. Sometimes “the best” or “wishing you well” just feels too far away. There’s the deep realization many of us have— that it is through deep discomfort, it is possible that many of our greatest gifts are eventually born, even if we don’t see them actualized for some time.

(prepare for a paragraph of multiple-metaphor) Trying to stay on the side of the cup half full, at times it feels like a comedy of errors, the amount of issues that continue to arise. Friends notice and comment on the “if it weren’t for bad luck you’d have no luck at all” of my human condition of the past several years.

Literally, I’ve begun to wonder if someone has a Becky voodoo doll that they delight in poking

My internal evolution has been to have constant therapy sessions with myself. The alternative to why-me-ing my self ragged.

What must have been a broken foot after having what I felt like was a long awaited improvement by the end of our three months of travels has been a challenge. (see my last writing) I was so looking forward to immediately continuing the walking after our mega-trip to get stamina back and feel a bit more “normal.” My foot rebelled, which didn’t help my head space. I’m pleased to now be easing back into walking.

A couple additional symptoms have crept up and I made the mistake of checking to see if it could be part of the Crohn’s disease, and wow, that was a bummer. Being reminded of all the possible sequelae was not emotionally helpful in the least. Put that in context of my other condition with moderate kidney failure and its duplicity of symptoms, it’s hard not to think that I’m (metaphorically) fucked for the rest of my time on this planet.

I’m trying to find the greater good in my recent life journey and challenges.

Back in the snail mail days every holiday season I would put together a summary of our family’s status with photographs.

Just think what it would feel like if we were sharing the evidence of ourselves and family being human instead of myriad yippees. It would definitely have to be a globally accepted practice or many readers would be rolling eyes while reading instead of letting themselves understand a person at a deeper level, meeting them where their hurt lives.

The challenges: Breakups. Arrests. Affairs. Relapses. Rehabs. Accidents. Illness. Injury. Failures … you get it. hohohodiho

I love focusing on the joys in my year end review, but isn’t it a more comprehensive story if we speak of the shadows as well? That’s where the magic of our greater good might be found. And, of course, the truth lies in the shadows holding hands with your future greater good, if you can learn and grow where it once felt the light had disappeared.

My spiritual practice floats on the belief that our suffering is part of our full spectrum life-plan rather than something to escape. I also bow to the great mystery and think I have little fear and apprehension regarding my own death, wherein may lie a part of my personal greater good. Who knows? ( I don’t have to)

The greater good project I’ve currently landed on is exploring my connection to the beyond. Meditating and meditating. Zen music and a few deep conscious breaths can be medicine for me; deeply going under feels otherworldly. I find or revisit the stories of near death experiences, shared death experiences, and all things “the other side” or the unexplained that are fulfilling on my personal greater good scale.

There is so much magic around us if we connect deeply with others. I learned this getting into the deep conversations on The Death Dialogues Podcast (you can find it on this platform. I loved to ask— can you tell us if you feel there’s been any communication with you from the beyond? (overwhelmingly the answer was yes)

I find when I verbally try to share this personal terrain I’m journeying, I frequently become tongue-tied; it’s beyond words. Most of the process is just my own. Beckoning starry night skies, in awe of the expansive magic above me, relevant reading and watching videos, an expanding trust and belief that there is so much magic that we aren’t aware of— while our feet are on the planet, sitting still in nature and observing; I’m in awe. These exercises make sense to me since I am no longer able to ride our horses, hike in the out of the way places— set the physical goals I once would (yes, grief certainly lives behind those limitations for me). Seems to make sense to move that focus to connection to the divine oneness and expanding my soul-experience.

There’s so much suffering in the world, I acknowledge that privilege is mine to be sitting on top of this peaceful hill in New Zealand and writing about my personal experiences. Contemplation. If you have time and space for contemplation, you are indeed privileged. This isn’t lost on me and certainly sending loving energy out to the suffering masses is an ongoing practice and never wasted energy.

Below are a few recommendations to ponder

Wishing you all the best for your greater good—

Becky

here’s to my dear husband who found a new respite for us in 2024

Recommended reading:

Death and its Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Beautiful Lessons

(you can read the sample)

by Becky Aud-Jennison (cheeky, sorry I couldn’t resist)

I Haven’t Been Entirely Honest with You, by Miranda Hart

Reading/listening to this book felt like the magic of synchronicity. Although we have different conditions, our experience very much parallels. I’ll stop there, but I could write a piece on that itself.

Reading now:

The Believer: Encounters with love, death & faith by Sarah Krasnostein

Every Moment Since by Marybeth Mathew Whalen

Last reads besides Miranda Hart’s book:

The Friday Afternoon Club by Griffen Dunne.

Rules of the Road by Ciara Geraghty

(it’s been a much better reading year for me than the previous year when my symptoms wouldn’t allow me to read)

Apps that speak to me (yes they are stored under woo in my phone):

• Awakened Way— look into Suzanne Geisemann’s work for someone who is an accidental medium. Fascinating stories and a lot of resources out there. Was high up at the Pentagon, life/death happened and so did her exploration. Boggling. Gems at her YouTube channel too. And books.

• Empower You

• Wildwood

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Watching:

The Other Side NDE— YouTube (I heard stories such as these during my work as a nurse and therapist. So fascinating.)

NDE diary—YouTube

Suzanne Giesemann: messages of hope— YouTube

WE DON’T DIE — YouTube

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DOING:

Highly recommend this offering. You’ll be gently held by Sandy.

https://www.yogaforgriefsupport.com/onlinesupport.html

Sandy Ayre graduated from Occupational Therapy in 2000 from the University of Alberta - which began her dedication to using activity therapeutically to support change in people's lives. She was certified as a yoga teacher through the Yoga Association of Alberta in 2009.

Combining her roles as an Occupational Therapist and a Yoga Instructor she naturally uses therapeutic approaches and adapted activity in her classes and with her students.

Sandy's philosophy is one of empowerment. She believes the real practice of yoga begins at the end of the class.

In 2006 she suffered the death of her partner, spurring her along the path of using yoga as a healing modality for grief. Following the "Companioning Model" of grief support Sandy believes that grief is a natural and organic part of life and love, and as such healing grief requires compassionate and heart-centered attention. She uses yoga to find the wisdom, guidance and healing in the midst of the pain of loss.

Sandy is certified in Death and Grief Studies through The Center For Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. She works as an Occupational Therapist on the Tertiary Palliative Care Unit in Edmonton Alberta. She has been guiding weekly Yoga for Grief Support Groups in Edmonton since 2009. ​​

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Writing it down— if you haven’t journaled or given yourself space to spill your experiences or emotions on the page, you may find, as many have, a portal into your soul.

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Listen:

Today’s recommendation from our podcast. Sandy (above) was an early guest on my podcast:

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Music- For me, music = medicine. Consider making playlists for varying times of your life’s rhythm. I have many playlists: happy, relaxing, exercise, grief of individuals each have a playlist, my death, my husband’s death, dance music, woo woo women, guided meditation, meditation music …

Spotify is worth the price for how I use it. I recently discovered they have audiobooks too. After one deep dive for the meditative work I’m doing, I recommend you consider a decent pair of earphones (mine were under $100), and exploring binaural beats.

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I try to include a song that feels like the vibe behind relate to where I’m at in this piece.

Life

by Avett Brothers 2012

One comes of it, love it, love it
Let go of it, love comes from it
We're not of this world for long
Faith and promise, keep me honest
When starvation falls upon us
Daylight told me he would be

Gone with cold words spoke among hers
Wretched is the tongue of their world
We're not of that world at all
We never will be

Wouldn't it be fine to stand behind
The words we say in the best of times
Oh, and you and I know all too well
About the hell and paradise right here on earth

Keep it, use it, build it, move it
Claims can't touch how time will prove it
Watch us fly as loud as we can
Let her heartbeat change what I am now

Wouldn't it be fine to stand behind
The words we say in the best of times
Oh, and you and I know all too well
About the hell and paradise right here on earth

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Robert Crawford / Scott Avett / Timothy Avett

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See you next year! (recall how brilliantly funny that was the first time you heard it as a kid- a big wow)